“The hairs on your head are far easier to count than your feelings and the movement of your heart” (St. Augustine, Confessions 4.15)
The whole of the monastic life is founded on desire, the desire to know oneself and the God who knows us all. St. Augustine makes it very clear though how difficult a journey it is when he says it is far easier to count the number of hairs on your head than to achieve anything close to communion with self and God.
But you know the truth is we don’t achieve anything when it comes to the life of the spirit, because it is the Spirit who does the doing not we with our programs for growth. Don’t mistake me; we do figure into the equation, just not in the way many of us want to. We want to be in control and in charge of the itinerary don’t we. It usually takes repeated turns in the wrong direction to finally figure out that if we don’t let go of the steering wheel we’ll just keep going ’round in circles. Some of us never do let go…
We don’t have to figure everything out though and that should, if we accept it, be a source of liberation, and is itself a profound step toward self-knowledge. That’s really what humility is all about; simple, but not easy, and a step we must repeat frequently throughout life.
If the desire is there then we can do some things to facilitate God’s work in us, opening our heart to our true selves, and freeing us to be more truly with Him, Who is always and everywhere with us. I suggest as a first step a retreat, preferably at some monastic site where you will not be disturbed and where the process can begin, if that’s the place you’re at, or, where it can loosen up the soil of a difficulty you may be experiencing in your journey toward the truth. The silence, the supportive community of monks and of the other retreatants, and best of all the uncluttered time to be without the accouterments of your everyday life.
The Abbey of the Genesee is the monastery I know best, and I highly recommend going there for retreat. It’s a great place to meet God and hand the keys over to Him! Feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions about Genesee’s retreat program, or just visit their retreat page on their web site.
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